Good day...?
Okie.....haven't been blogging for sometime.....
Two days ago a recieved a friendly call from my old friend, Alton. He's still the same....somehow, I wonder if he lost any weight? (Wahahahhaa......) Anyways, we chatted for quite sometime and then, we switched to more philosophical stuff like, "What is love?" He told me what he knew, that love needs hope to gaurd it and when both are present, faith is built. It's like, you love someone, and you'll hope that he feels the same why towards you and you'll start having faith in him. (Is it that way...?) In this way, the love will not (sort of) go astray (turns into a fear based love). Some examples of love turning fear is jealousy, over-possesiveness etc. But somehow, hope also means expectation (the not-so-good way of putting the term 'hope'). If love comes with expectations, that isn't true love anymore, because true love is one without conditions and expectations. And when love comes together with expectations, faith becomes suspection. So if the world is without hope and faith, and is only love, what would the world be? Worse? Or maybe better?
So how to identify true love...? Without hope, love seems to be staggering, but with hope, love is no longer pure. Does it mean that the fear-based love is actually a form of true love too? That doesn't make sense....Hmmmm......coming to think about it, maybe love won't go astray without hope. Maybe a fear-based love is actually built due to hope....? Anyways, why should I be talking about love when I've never been in love before?
Haiz......what else did we talk about...? Oh yes, neutrality. It was a really bad experience. Ever since confirmation, I've been feeling neutral, even till now. I asked Alton how he felt being neutral, he confirmed my feelings too. Lately, I've been feeling empty, and whatever I do, I don't really feel anything. Even if it's like giving money to the poor or helping others, that feeling of helping is not there anymore. Instead, my mind would be telling me both the 'yes' and 'no' answers. Like the incident when I was wondering should I or should I not give up my seat for a little girl on the bus. For every single 'good' reason I have to give up my seat, there is a 'good' reason not to give up my seat.
Neutrality taught me that everything in the world is 'like that'. There is no right or wrong. Right and wrong arise from within yourself, your perspective towards a situation. Somehow, I think I'm starting to understand why God is the observer, not the creator. Maybe He's been living in this neutral hell for too long that He wants to know how it's like to be in the Light and the Dark.....(but hey! God's everything.....he still needs to experience?) and yes, I feel that neutrality is quite a hell. Imagine your days with nothing but emptiness. How would one feel? Is that the so-called inner peace? If it is, I wonder why I don't feel satisfied at all.....Why is it that I'm still searching? Or maybe it's not good to be neutral at this point of my life...? Is this what every single human is trying to get? Or maybe that's a result of confirmation, that I'm back to a new spot in life?
Is that why I feel that I'm no longer myself? After reading part of the book I borrowed from my teacher, I started asking myself many questions. Am I satisfied with the me in the past? Actually, not really. Over-possesive, anti-social, trying to please everyone...I've been living in an illusion maybe. So, how's the true me like? Looking at myself now, I'm sort of happy. I discovered that I love to talk, and talk. I like company, sports and everything. I like to be honest with others, though I'm afraid of getting into quarrels and hey! I like to slack and be hardworking at the same time! Thinking about the me before I broke up with my friend, I was like that....maybe will be like that for the rest of my life.
I really hope that I have the answers to all of Life's ways. Or rather, it's in me, but I've yet to unlock every single answer. That's partly why I wanted to get a blog.....haiz.....
Anyways, we chatted till halfway and Alton's mother got pissed at him for using the phone for too long. (Poor Alton.....) And so, our chat ended there. He called back the next day, but somehow, I was rather tired....just came back from a shopping trip with my Sec 4 friends. We haven't meet up for so long and decided to spend sometime together at Ochard road. Amelia's still the same, Zhilin dyed her hair, Yan Xiu had a brand new look (she used to look a bit nerdy with those specs during her Sec 4 days). The worst was Yan Kai. When I saw him from far, I was really, really shocked. I though that he was suffering from hair loss, but when he came nearer into the view, it was clear that he dyed his hair. Everone's reaction was the same, but Wan Wen's reaction was extremely big. She almost screamed at the sight of him with that funny hairdo and told him directly, "it doesn't fit, you know...." Poor Yan Kai.....His crush crushed him somehow....
After shopping for sometime, we went to have 'dinner' (it's about 4.30 p.m...) at Seoul Garden. It costs around $25 and I was quite relunctant to part with my money (I have only $30+ and that was all my savings....), but heck, it's not everyday that I get to eat with them. I'll have to part with that someday too.....And I must say..we wasted a lot of food too.....
Then came the events that happened today.......Haiz. It's the Great Singapore Surf and I woke up 7 early 8 early to prepare for everything. And it went smoothly for the first part. Then came lunch. And it was hell. I brought my group to collect their food and when I came out, Yan Wei was talking to the others about something. When I got nearer, it sounded like some quarreling had just happened while I was not around. When Yan Wei was saying "I shout at her--", a woman (maybe in her 20's, dunno) shouted really angrily at him. Immediately, he argued back and was tipped off by the woman again, saying she never seen such an NYP student behaving like that before. Because I never witnessed anything and I don't even know what's happening, I can't give my judgement, But, I do know that I can't give her a frown or attitude too, or else she'll give me hers, twice in return....So all I did was smiled like an idiot, while I decided secretly in my mind to ask about the commotion later on, in her absence.
I got to know about it later on that the woman, most probably in charged of the food distribution, was quite pissed off because there was not enough helpers to help out in the distribution of the food. She said that she sent messangers to get us to help while we, who didn't know about the situation below was so hectic, was slacking upstairs. No one ever came to tell us that we have to go down and report until I had brought the trainees to the canteen. (And the person who told me that we have to report to the canteen was the same woman who gave YW a great shelling....and she's telling me to report to her in the canteen when I'm going to the canteen and she's going to the opposite way...What the....?) Yao Guang, who witnessed the incident, told me that the woman was like defending herself and trying to find fault in us. When Yan Wei asked her is she messaged them through the talkie, she sort of changed the subject and gave excuses. She even said that she waved at us and we ignored her. (That's quite a harsh word, for I didn't even notice anyone waving at us.)
Anyways, I don't really like her attitude, but I can understand her position. I've been an SC before and such people are always present during every big occasion. They pressurize themselves so much that they are blinded by it and became what is termed 'unreasonable'. For the time-being, just do what they tell us to and bear with every shit they have to say. And if they want to push the blame on people, go ahead, anyways, it's no use blaming others at such a hectic period of time, and it'll just cause more problems if I retaliate. If you have the time to blame and scold others, why don't you use that to do better things like assign the right roles and brief us quickly on our mission? Put the scolding to the last part, when everything is settled. Besides, it's not a pleasant thing to scream at others in the eyes of public, ain't it? Heh heh.......Yan Wei shouldn't do that too......but thank God, he did retaliate this time round, but just kept quiet. The lecturer was wise, not blaming him or anybody.
Haiz....so that's about it lah. I think I wrote too long for this post...heh heh.
Two days ago a recieved a friendly call from my old friend, Alton. He's still the same....somehow, I wonder if he lost any weight? (Wahahahhaa......) Anyways, we chatted for quite sometime and then, we switched to more philosophical stuff like, "What is love?" He told me what he knew, that love needs hope to gaurd it and when both are present, faith is built. It's like, you love someone, and you'll hope that he feels the same why towards you and you'll start having faith in him. (Is it that way...?) In this way, the love will not (sort of) go astray (turns into a fear based love). Some examples of love turning fear is jealousy, over-possesiveness etc. But somehow, hope also means expectation (the not-so-good way of putting the term 'hope'). If love comes with expectations, that isn't true love anymore, because true love is one without conditions and expectations. And when love comes together with expectations, faith becomes suspection. So if the world is without hope and faith, and is only love, what would the world be? Worse? Or maybe better?
So how to identify true love...? Without hope, love seems to be staggering, but with hope, love is no longer pure. Does it mean that the fear-based love is actually a form of true love too? That doesn't make sense....Hmmmm......coming to think about it, maybe love won't go astray without hope. Maybe a fear-based love is actually built due to hope....? Anyways, why should I be talking about love when I've never been in love before?
Haiz......what else did we talk about...? Oh yes, neutrality. It was a really bad experience. Ever since confirmation, I've been feeling neutral, even till now. I asked Alton how he felt being neutral, he confirmed my feelings too. Lately, I've been feeling empty, and whatever I do, I don't really feel anything. Even if it's like giving money to the poor or helping others, that feeling of helping is not there anymore. Instead, my mind would be telling me both the 'yes' and 'no' answers. Like the incident when I was wondering should I or should I not give up my seat for a little girl on the bus. For every single 'good' reason I have to give up my seat, there is a 'good' reason not to give up my seat.
Neutrality taught me that everything in the world is 'like that'. There is no right or wrong. Right and wrong arise from within yourself, your perspective towards a situation. Somehow, I think I'm starting to understand why God is the observer, not the creator. Maybe He's been living in this neutral hell for too long that He wants to know how it's like to be in the Light and the Dark.....(but hey! God's everything.....he still needs to experience?) and yes, I feel that neutrality is quite a hell. Imagine your days with nothing but emptiness. How would one feel? Is that the so-called inner peace? If it is, I wonder why I don't feel satisfied at all.....Why is it that I'm still searching? Or maybe it's not good to be neutral at this point of my life...? Is this what every single human is trying to get? Or maybe that's a result of confirmation, that I'm back to a new spot in life?
Is that why I feel that I'm no longer myself? After reading part of the book I borrowed from my teacher, I started asking myself many questions. Am I satisfied with the me in the past? Actually, not really. Over-possesive, anti-social, trying to please everyone...I've been living in an illusion maybe. So, how's the true me like? Looking at myself now, I'm sort of happy. I discovered that I love to talk, and talk. I like company, sports and everything. I like to be honest with others, though I'm afraid of getting into quarrels and hey! I like to slack and be hardworking at the same time! Thinking about the me before I broke up with my friend, I was like that....maybe will be like that for the rest of my life.
I really hope that I have the answers to all of Life's ways. Or rather, it's in me, but I've yet to unlock every single answer. That's partly why I wanted to get a blog.....haiz.....
Anyways, we chatted till halfway and Alton's mother got pissed at him for using the phone for too long. (Poor Alton.....) And so, our chat ended there. He called back the next day, but somehow, I was rather tired....just came back from a shopping trip with my Sec 4 friends. We haven't meet up for so long and decided to spend sometime together at Ochard road. Amelia's still the same, Zhilin dyed her hair, Yan Xiu had a brand new look (she used to look a bit nerdy with those specs during her Sec 4 days). The worst was Yan Kai. When I saw him from far, I was really, really shocked. I though that he was suffering from hair loss, but when he came nearer into the view, it was clear that he dyed his hair. Everone's reaction was the same, but Wan Wen's reaction was extremely big. She almost screamed at the sight of him with that funny hairdo and told him directly, "it doesn't fit, you know...." Poor Yan Kai.....His crush crushed him somehow....
After shopping for sometime, we went to have 'dinner' (it's about 4.30 p.m...) at Seoul Garden. It costs around $25 and I was quite relunctant to part with my money (I have only $30+ and that was all my savings....), but heck, it's not everyday that I get to eat with them. I'll have to part with that someday too.....And I must say..we wasted a lot of food too.....
Then came the events that happened today.......Haiz. It's the Great Singapore Surf and I woke up 7 early 8 early to prepare for everything. And it went smoothly for the first part. Then came lunch. And it was hell. I brought my group to collect their food and when I came out, Yan Wei was talking to the others about something. When I got nearer, it sounded like some quarreling had just happened while I was not around. When Yan Wei was saying "I shout at her--", a woman (maybe in her 20's, dunno) shouted really angrily at him. Immediately, he argued back and was tipped off by the woman again, saying she never seen such an NYP student behaving like that before. Because I never witnessed anything and I don't even know what's happening, I can't give my judgement, But, I do know that I can't give her a frown or attitude too, or else she'll give me hers, twice in return....So all I did was smiled like an idiot, while I decided secretly in my mind to ask about the commotion later on, in her absence.
I got to know about it later on that the woman, most probably in charged of the food distribution, was quite pissed off because there was not enough helpers to help out in the distribution of the food. She said that she sent messangers to get us to help while we, who didn't know about the situation below was so hectic, was slacking upstairs. No one ever came to tell us that we have to go down and report until I had brought the trainees to the canteen. (And the person who told me that we have to report to the canteen was the same woman who gave YW a great shelling....and she's telling me to report to her in the canteen when I'm going to the canteen and she's going to the opposite way...What the....?) Yao Guang, who witnessed the incident, told me that the woman was like defending herself and trying to find fault in us. When Yan Wei asked her is she messaged them through the talkie, she sort of changed the subject and gave excuses. She even said that she waved at us and we ignored her. (That's quite a harsh word, for I didn't even notice anyone waving at us.)
Anyways, I don't really like her attitude, but I can understand her position. I've been an SC before and such people are always present during every big occasion. They pressurize themselves so much that they are blinded by it and became what is termed 'unreasonable'. For the time-being, just do what they tell us to and bear with every shit they have to say. And if they want to push the blame on people, go ahead, anyways, it's no use blaming others at such a hectic period of time, and it'll just cause more problems if I retaliate. If you have the time to blame and scold others, why don't you use that to do better things like assign the right roles and brief us quickly on our mission? Put the scolding to the last part, when everything is settled. Besides, it's not a pleasant thing to scream at others in the eyes of public, ain't it? Heh heh.......Yan Wei shouldn't do that too......but thank God, he did retaliate this time round, but just kept quiet. The lecturer was wise, not blaming him or anybody.
Haiz....so that's about it lah. I think I wrote too long for this post...heh heh.
posted by Len | 1:24 AM
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