I guess I'm still here.
Okie.....Went for 11am mass today. I went out quite late for it, about 10.30 a.m. Normally, I would be late if I get out at this hour, but surprisingly, I was early. (Heh heh.....and to think that I didn't go for mass last week....)
Somehow, nowadays, I've been asking myself why am I going to church when I know that what is taught is not entirely what I feel is right? Why am I there anyway?
Well..., unsure. Or maybe, I'm sure, 'somewhere' I'm sure, but somehow, I'm unsure. Everything is so contradictory. The very first time I asked myself why am I a Christian, I was not sure. That question bugged me for quite sometime and during that time, I kept having this answer in my mind (which I rejected most of the time...coz it makes no sense....). "Hey, it's my choice. What else can it be?" Confirmation day came, and I was supposed to go for an interview by the Catechist, Brother Emmanuel and of course, the parish priest--Father Yeo. They gave me a piece of paper with a few questions. The very first question almost killed me.
"Why do you want to be confirmed?"
Well...at that time, I don't even know why am I baptised, so how in the world am I to know why? And again, that answer came. It sounds really silly to me--- "choose to be", but what else can I write when that's the only thing I can think of? (Or rather, that's the only thing that keeps on coming to me when I ask that...) I can't possibly write a lie and get confirmed with a lie. So I decided to ask the adults if I could write that down. I was expecting some words of discouragement, but I never knew they started nodding their heads with a that's-not-a-bad-answer look. After that, I felt quite good about it.
But somehow, after getting to know about other things, I started having doubts again. Why am I here now, after knowing that I'm living in an illusion created by others? It was my choice, ain't it? A friend of mine started showing me the other answers which have crossed my mind. "You didn't have a choice, it was peer pressure." I find it hard to accept, but it was true. I was baptised because my elder sis wanted to. Maybe it was a rash choice, but it's still a choice right? I can stop being a christian if I don't want to now, i can stop choosing to be one. But somehow, I didn't.
Being a christian isn't just about recieving Holy communion and abstaining from meat on Fridays. It isn't about confessing every single sin, not about attending every single mass, not about praying every single day and every single minute you're in a church. I remember a catechist once asked, "Do you know what does the word 'Christian' means?" That's 'follower of Christ'. Somehow, I really wonder have I been a 'pharisee' Christian all my past 16 years? The true meaning of a Christian, to follow Christ, to be like Him. This is the Christian I wanted to be, this is the choice that I wanted to make, or should I say, this is the choice which I truly made. Is that why they are proud of the answer--"because I choose to be?" Maybe............ever since young, I've been telling myself 'I know I'm bad, but I want to be good.' So that's what is meant by 'a thought is creative'....?
When I went to church this morning, it was quite different. I felt relaxed, instead of stressed and tensed up. Dunno why, I don't get serious headaches and depression thinking in there. And even if I'm alone, I don't really feel alone.
Somehow, nowadays, I've been asking myself why am I going to church when I know that what is taught is not entirely what I feel is right? Why am I there anyway?
Well..., unsure. Or maybe, I'm sure, 'somewhere' I'm sure, but somehow, I'm unsure. Everything is so contradictory. The very first time I asked myself why am I a Christian, I was not sure. That question bugged me for quite sometime and during that time, I kept having this answer in my mind (which I rejected most of the time...coz it makes no sense....). "Hey, it's my choice. What else can it be?" Confirmation day came, and I was supposed to go for an interview by the Catechist, Brother Emmanuel and of course, the parish priest--Father Yeo. They gave me a piece of paper with a few questions. The very first question almost killed me.
"Why do you want to be confirmed?"
Well...at that time, I don't even know why am I baptised, so how in the world am I to know why? And again, that answer came. It sounds really silly to me--- "choose to be", but what else can I write when that's the only thing I can think of? (Or rather, that's the only thing that keeps on coming to me when I ask that...) I can't possibly write a lie and get confirmed with a lie. So I decided to ask the adults if I could write that down. I was expecting some words of discouragement, but I never knew they started nodding their heads with a that's-not-a-bad-answer look. After that, I felt quite good about it.
But somehow, after getting to know about other things, I started having doubts again. Why am I here now, after knowing that I'm living in an illusion created by others? It was my choice, ain't it? A friend of mine started showing me the other answers which have crossed my mind. "You didn't have a choice, it was peer pressure." I find it hard to accept, but it was true. I was baptised because my elder sis wanted to. Maybe it was a rash choice, but it's still a choice right? I can stop being a christian if I don't want to now, i can stop choosing to be one. But somehow, I didn't.
Being a christian isn't just about recieving Holy communion and abstaining from meat on Fridays. It isn't about confessing every single sin, not about attending every single mass, not about praying every single day and every single minute you're in a church. I remember a catechist once asked, "Do you know what does the word 'Christian' means?" That's 'follower of Christ'. Somehow, I really wonder have I been a 'pharisee' Christian all my past 16 years? The true meaning of a Christian, to follow Christ, to be like Him. This is the Christian I wanted to be, this is the choice that I wanted to make, or should I say, this is the choice which I truly made. Is that why they are proud of the answer--"because I choose to be?" Maybe............ever since young, I've been telling myself 'I know I'm bad, but I want to be good.' So that's what is meant by 'a thought is creative'....?
When I went to church this morning, it was quite different. I felt relaxed, instead of stressed and tensed up. Dunno why, I don't get serious headaches and depression thinking in there. And even if I'm alone, I don't really feel alone.
posted by Len | 10:45 PM
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