;_;....
Haiz...had a rather emotional time in the church today. Yah, I cried. It sounds rather stupid, really. I just wanted to know what's God's will and bugged my sister for an answer. (As I asked, I already felt like crying, for no reason..)....Anyways, my sis tried explaning it to me, but she was sort of tongue-tied. The words are in her mind, but it just couldn't come out (those sort), she explained. So I was quite frustrated and said, "Is it such a secret that he just wouldn't wanna tell us?" (along that line). Finally, there was an answer. (Wonder if you call that an answer?)
He just want us to be happy-- like when you grow old, what are you gonna tell your future grandchildren, niece etc? I couldn't remember clearly our conversation, but it simply meant, "hey! God gave you a life, so live it the way that makes you truly happy!"
And I cried.
Maybe because I felt that I wasn't really happy with my life. All this while, I was really a kuai kia (as my younger sis would always label me....). Maybe it all started from the very day I had a major friendship problem back in Pri 5, when I started hanging out alone instead of gangs. I admit that I became a mummy's daughter since then, a bit withdrawn too. I obeyed my parents, and being a devout catholic at that time, I tried to be a good person, even till the end of my secondary school days. But somehow, I still felt that I lack something that everybody has. It was that rebellious nature, and I must confess, I cried because I didn't do anything that outraged my parents before. (Now, that sound really stupid eh?)
.........it's like I had never experienced being a rebel, and everything that I do was an act to please everyone, and even God. It's just like a man standing under a spotlight, not acknowledging the dark thing beneath his feet as his shadow. I've only seen the bright side of me, but I never knew the dark side of myself. I wonder how many times I denied that shadow, and because of that, I do not even know the true meaning of 'good', and it sort of leads to me not knowing who I am....(and that might have been the cause of those unintentional manipulation back then in my Secondary school days..) And it all makes me feel that I have wasted my entire sec. school life...I should have broke some rules and go out more frequently with my sec school friends back then.....How I wished that I was like my two sisters...
I wept till my eyes went slighty red....And my sis tried to cheer me up a little. She didn't expect me to cry...and my aunt tried to make me talk out my problem....but it isn't a problem. It's just an emotion...I'm just sad that I regretted not doing some stuff all these years....and I'm not happy about it, at all....Ah well....the past is the past, I can't change it anymore.....Now I guess I know what I should look out for....
Heh heh...another meaningless post.....
He just want us to be happy-- like when you grow old, what are you gonna tell your future grandchildren, niece etc? I couldn't remember clearly our conversation, but it simply meant, "hey! God gave you a life, so live it the way that makes you truly happy!"
And I cried.
Maybe because I felt that I wasn't really happy with my life. All this while, I was really a kuai kia (as my younger sis would always label me....). Maybe it all started from the very day I had a major friendship problem back in Pri 5, when I started hanging out alone instead of gangs. I admit that I became a mummy's daughter since then, a bit withdrawn too. I obeyed my parents, and being a devout catholic at that time, I tried to be a good person, even till the end of my secondary school days. But somehow, I still felt that I lack something that everybody has. It was that rebellious nature, and I must confess, I cried because I didn't do anything that outraged my parents before. (Now, that sound really stupid eh?)
.........it's like I had never experienced being a rebel, and everything that I do was an act to please everyone, and even God. It's just like a man standing under a spotlight, not acknowledging the dark thing beneath his feet as his shadow. I've only seen the bright side of me, but I never knew the dark side of myself. I wonder how many times I denied that shadow, and because of that, I do not even know the true meaning of 'good', and it sort of leads to me not knowing who I am....(and that might have been the cause of those unintentional manipulation back then in my Secondary school days..) And it all makes me feel that I have wasted my entire sec. school life...I should have broke some rules and go out more frequently with my sec school friends back then.....How I wished that I was like my two sisters...
I wept till my eyes went slighty red....And my sis tried to cheer me up a little. She didn't expect me to cry...and my aunt tried to make me talk out my problem....but it isn't a problem. It's just an emotion...I'm just sad that I regretted not doing some stuff all these years....and I'm not happy about it, at all....Ah well....the past is the past, I can't change it anymore.....Now I guess I know what I should look out for....
Heh heh...another meaningless post.....
posted by Len | 11:37 AM
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